ACT Like You Matter

How Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Can Help You Move from Suffering to Flourishing

If you’re a living, breathing human being, chances are you’ve experienced thoughts that have left you stressed, anxious, or depressed. As a psychologist, I can honestly say I am not immune to this experience either. Thoughts have gotten the best of me countless times, impacting my relationships, friendships, and work, often pushing me to a point of no return. But it doesn’t have to be this way. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and for some, that light might be Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a type of therapy focusing on helping you live a more fulfilling life by accepting your thoughts and feelings rather than controlling them. For some, this might seem like a difficult concept to swallow. Many think that the most logical way to manage their suffering is to just ‘get rid’ of the thought causing it. But what if I told you that trying to control or get rid of the thought is making it more salient?

If I say “don’t think of an elephant,” what’s the first thing that you think of? An elephant, right? This is known as Ironic Process Theory (IPT), which suggests that when we intentionally try to avoid thinking of a certain thought, it often backfires, causing the thought (and the emotion that comes with it) to occur more frequently and intensely. ACT focuses not on controlling the thought but embracing it. My clients often find this concept both harrowing and freeing. To accept that suffering comes and goes allows us to embrace the full spectrum of emotions that come part and parcel with the human experience.

So, what do we do about thoughts that cause us suffering? Here are three ACT-related steps to help you move from suffering to flourishing:

Step 1: Practice Noticing the What, When, and Where of Your Thoughts

The first step is to be mindful of the thoughts that are playing a role in your suffering. When are they coming up? Is there a particular trigger? Is it before bed? At work? Out with friends? When you’re around family? Noticing what these thoughts are, when they come up, and where can provide you with valuable insight into any triggers you might have. Don’t be afraid to write these down somewhere, whether it be on a notes app, journal, or voice recording, just be sure to capture it for later.

Step 2: Remind Yourself That Thoughts and Feelings Do Not Equal Fact

Once you’ve captured those thoughts, they can do two things:

1. Provide insight into some core beliefs you might have about yourself (more on this another time).
2. Allow you to see those thoughts for what they are—just thoughts and nothing more.

Your brain is an organ, much like the heart. The heart’s job is to pump blood through your body whereas the brain can pump out both wanted and unwanted thoughts. Why unwanted? Because we’re wired for threat. Evolutionarily, our brain works hard to protect us from danger. Unfortunately, sometimes our brain works a little too hard and pumps out thoughts that are more of a hindrance than a help. Regardless, those thoughts (and feelings that come with them) do not equal fact. Just because you think something about yourself doesn’t make it true.

The trick to managing these thoughts is not to try and get rid of them, as we already know pushing it away can make it more salient. Instead, start talking to your brain. When these thoughts pop up and you become overwhelmed, take a deep breath and say:

“Brain, you’re clearly working really hard trying to protect me. I know you’re pumping all these thoughts through me because you’re trying to help. But it’s not helping as much as you think it is. Thank you for trying, but I’ve got this.”

There should be no expectation that the thought will disappear. It won’t. It’ll always be there, lingering in the background, because that’s just what your brain is designed to do. The goal isn’t to turn it off but to lower the volume so you can hear more of the helpful thoughts. Think of it like that family member at events who asks you all those annoying and intrusive questions about your life. They exist! There’s nothing you can do about it, but what you can do is better manage your reaction to their existence.

Step 3: Move Towards the Life You Want

What next? How do we flourish? Think about what moves you can make to move yourself towards the life you want. If thoughts about your relationship are causing you suffering, what can you do about that? You can either distance yourself from your partner and convince yourself the relationship is doomed, or you can go to couples therapy and have an open conversation. If thoughts about your work performance are causing you suffering, you can either continue to stress or seek out additional support from a mentor or your manager.

We call these towards moves, and it’s about acknowledging that a way to manage our suffering is to think about ways we can move towards, rather than away from, the life we want and that is true to us.

Remember, flourishing is about embracing the full spectrum of your emotions and making deliberate moves towards the life you want. If you're struggling, suffering, or anywhere in between, consider giving ACT a try—because you matter.

Please note that for more tailored advice it is recommended you seek support from a psychologist or counsellor.

By Mina Hattom